so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
