where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
