There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
