I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
