Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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