i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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