My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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