I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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