Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize