I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
