The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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