I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
