hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
