I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
