Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
