Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
