there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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