did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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