It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
this just has baby written all over it
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
