New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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