I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
