You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
