The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
