i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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