3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
