These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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