Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
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