What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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