if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
