Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize