The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
