I wish I could teleport
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
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