Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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