Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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