I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
