a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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