new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
