Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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