Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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