life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
