So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
