The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I forget how to act sober
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize