i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
