i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
