my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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