Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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