in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
