I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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