So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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