right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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