I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize