I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i love accidental penises.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
