currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
