Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
