I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
