Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
