FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
