I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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