my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
