3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
