Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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