so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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