Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
