I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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