Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
